My name is Robyn and I am writing this in the hopes that it will inspire all of you to be totally true to yourselves and to live the lives you were meant to live. Sometimes to be truly happy we have to come to some earthshattering realizations of who we are and who we aspire to be. This was certainly the situation I had to face.
I will begin by saying that I am not a youngster ( boo-hoo ) anymore. When I developed my feminine persona, it was prudent to keep it well hidden from those around me. Transgender was not a word that was understood or even used back when I knew I was different. Society, as many of you might recall, was very biased towards the LBGT+ community, especially the “T” word which wasn’t even included in the LGB vernacular. People labelled us “Transvestites, He-She, along with other equally vulgar adjectives. It just wasn’t “normal” for a man to dress like a woman. Even a man with long hair was frowned upon. Queers, faggots, sissies, girly boys were terms I vividly remember. And so it was. I knew who I was and what made me happy but couldn’t act out for fear of the normal reactions from family, friends, and co-workers. I didn’t want to be judged or lose everyone around me. I felt totally isolated on the inside but played the role of the alpha males on the outside so I could fit in. I truly felt that if I was found out, everyone who made up my life would be totally mortified and shun me. This was at a time when there was no Internet, support groups, or even psychologists who specialized in gender-related matters. I had no support and no one to turn to.
As the years went by, I tried to ignore my feelings, thinking there was surely something wrong with me. After all, I was born a man. I was supposed to graduate school, get married, do “guy” things, have kids and on and on. And I did all of those things. I tried to be the man I was raised to be. BUT! And all of you who might be reading this knows what the word “BUT’ means. I was totally playing the role so I could fit in, be accepted and admired. That was the outside me, not the inside me. The inside me found beauty and peace in all things feminine. I never went into a department store without first going to the women’s department so I could look at all the beautiful garments, dresses, skirts, shoes, underclothes, etc. The men’s area was bland and boring, offering the usual suits, shirts, ties, and shoes that I knew I had to wear, but hated!
Then as more time went by, I just had to know what it felt like to have a totally smooth body and put on something feminine. Bought lots of things after that because the feelings I experience when “en femme” brought me so much pleasure and just reinforced the idea that I was someone else on the inside. But, as I’m sure most of you know, it was an isolated experience. A lonely experience because you just didn’t reveal that side of you to anyone. Then my real issues began to set in. I was conflicted and in pain knowing that I couldn’t be who I was meant to be.
I purged and bought and purged and bought and on and on until I knew I needed help. More time went by until the Internet came along and stories of others like myself appeared. Magazines come out and movies and novels featuring so many others who had feelings similar to my own. I discovered venues where members of the LGB community went. Then it was LGBT! YAY! And there were events that got worldwide recognition to celebrate alternative lifestyles. It was a new time, even though so much of the old hatred still lingered. At least I knew I was not alone.
Then came the reckoning! I could no longer find happiness in my current state of mind. My male v. my female. One had to go. I, unlike so many others in our community, could not continue to live dual lives. For me it had to be one or the other. That’s just my reality.
And so I am facing this head-on, taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. I have sought out counselling to address this conflict of souls and have decided in favour of the feminine. I, along with my therapist, have decided that given my history and my issues, it would be better for me going forward to become the woman I truly am. My transition officially begins on Monday, June 27th.
I feel lighter than air! Just to have made this decision has put a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I know the path forward will be fraught with many obstacles, but none could be worse than living the lie that I lived for so long. I am at peace now. I have come out to so many and the reactions have all been so positive and supportive. It just makes me want to cry tears of joy!
I don’t know what impact this narrative may have on anyone else, but I guess I’m hoping that it will give all of you who may be experiencing what I did some hope that you really CAN be the person you were meant to be and live the life you were meant to live. We only have one life to live. I know so many trans individuals who spend so much time wondering why they are the way they are instead of becoming the person they were meant to be. We are the way we are because that’s just who we are. Why spend so much time trying to figure it out. Just live it and be happy!
BE HAPPY AND BE YOURSELF. DON’T LET OTHERS LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU!!!!!